My name is Aaron. This is my website. I used to write a blog for the television program The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, and make web videos for Late Night with Conan O'Brien... All traces of which have been wiped off the web. Yeah. That sucks. Now I work at CONAN on TBS. It's RAD. ;)

But hey! I Facebook it up in Here. I've been known to Twitter around over Here. I like to play nerdy Internet Risk under the name "pirateman" Here. And when I was a kid, I was in this movie right Here.

I like the cut of your jib. Let's be friends, eh?
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After The Party

So anyway, the party was terrible so we left and kissed a little bit more on the street outside her place, and for a few moments it felt like nothing had happened and that we were still together and happy. Or at least still together. But then she pulled away and adjusted her wig and looked at her hands and I looked at my hands and in the silence of the moment I stared at the pink scar on my knuckle, the scar from scraping my hand on the bottom of that pool in Puerto Rico the day she told me she loved me for the very first time on the side of the road while the guy from the tow truck place was jumping our car, whispering the words quickly and urgently like a spell that could destroy the world. I kissed her and she laughed and the engine turned over and the tow truck guy looked at us like we were crazy. 

I look back up at her and now she’s looking at me like she wants to say something and that’s when I know why I can’t come up to use the bathroom, it’s because he’s up there and has been and if it’s not him it’s somebody else and I finally understand, I finally “get it” and it’s all finally clear or maybe it was always clear how finally everything was but now I’ve actually finally got it through my big thick dumb head so instead of trying to kiss her any more I stick my hand with the scar on it in my pocket and give her a nod and say “Okay” and turn and start walking away. I want her to call after me but she doesn’t so I keep walking.

I walk and walk and walk and later I get in a cab and months later I am standing outside a karaoke bar talking to a girl while she smokes her last cigarette and I say something that makes her laugh a big throaty laugh and I look down at my hands and the pink scar on my knuckle from that one day in Puerto Rico is gone like it was never there at all.

PRETTY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE WIG INDUSTRY, ACTUALLY

Look, I get it. You came up with an incredible invention - revolutionary, actually - and that doesn’t happen often. A truly amazing idea probably only comes around one every couple generations: The airplane, the printing press, the lifelike robot that is Taylor Swift - and you should be proud of yourself! The wig is up there in terms of cool shit. Thanks to that sweet invention that is “The Wig”, you can wear hair over your own hair (or your stupid looking bald head) whenever you want! I LIKE THE WAY YOU WORK IT NO DIGGITY.

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But then… What? Somebody created the fake mustache? Fine. Somebody else thought a fake beard would be cool? Whatever. And then, nothing. Nothing? Nothing. The inspiration dried up. The ingenuity stopped. Hair game: Over. 

CUE MY CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT.

Look, you fucking wig inventing dickheads: Why did you stop inventing wigs for weird places to wear hair? What about if I wanna cover my arms in thick caramel yak hair? CAN’T DO IT. ARM WIGS DON’T EXIST. What if I wanna just wear hair on my neck, but not my face or any other areas? NOPE. THE HAIR TURTLENECK IS BUT A THING OF FANTASY. Perhaps I would like a luxiourious dark carpet of rich hair covering my back?! THERE LITERALLY IS NO SUCH THING AS A HAIR CAPE AND THAT IS AWFUL (Full disclosure: I already have a disgusting hairy back, so this is just a hypothetical sitch. But I know all y’all smooth backed sugarsnaps be feeling me hard on this)

Nothing. Nothing? NOTHING. There’s nothing out there for those of us fashion forward feeling gangstas who wanna wear more hair on their body in cool weird places. INVENTORS, WAKE THE FUCK UP AND FIX THIS SHIT OR AT LEAST MAKE A DEVICE WHERE I CAN TALK TO GIRLS WITHOUT SWEATING SO MUCH. (Full disclosure: I have had kind of a weird sweating problem lately - at first it was kind of fun, but now it’s like getting a bit Biblical)

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Currently.

Currently.

RESPECT THE OWL, MOTHERFUCKER

Everybody’s all afraid of tigers and bears and scorpions and shit. Hell, half the sports teams in this country are named after big cats. But I just got one question to all you motherfuckers out there who wanna strike fear into the hearts of their enemies: WHAT ABOUT OWLS, BIIIIIITCHESSSS?

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Owls are dangerous as shit and scary as fuck. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at these facts about owls:

1.) OWLS CAN FLY

You ever hear of air superiority, bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s see a tiger FLY UP IN THE AIR LIKE A BIRD. Well, that’s exactly what owls do, sugarsnap. They spend most of their time JUST MAD CHILLIN up in the air just. like. birds. In fact: OWLS ARE BIRDS, SHITFACE. Boom!!!! Checkmate, motherfucker!!!!! AND THAT’S JUST FACT NUMBER ONE.

2.) OWLS SWALLOW THEIR PREY WHOLE

Have you ever seen an animal swallow something whole? IT’S FUCKING HORRIFYING AS FUCK. I had a girlfriend once who didn’t really chew her food and it was DISGUSTING and REALLY GROSS but also SUPER SCARY. She ended up cheating on me with a guy named Terry so whatever fuck that bitch.

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Time to see if the hype is real.

Time to see if the hype is real.