I Love Old People
Most days I have a pretty temperate temperament. I have a bad temper, but a long fuse - 99% of the people who know me have never seen me truly upset. Or naked. Both are terrifying.
One of the very few things that really gets my blood up is when people fuck with the elderly. Jokes are jokes - and to me, if it’s a good joke, nothing is off-limits - but actually making fun of or fucking with old people makes me absolutely furious. “Respect Your Elders” is something I take pretty seriously (unless that “Elder” is being a fucking asshole - in which case you can tell them to fuck off to your heart’s content). It’s the same visceral reaction I have to animal or kid cruelty: murderous rage.
So this blog post is a love poem to the old folks. Here’s why old people are awesome:
1.) THEY’VE LIVED LONGER THAN YOU.
It’s that simple; they have been on this Earth longer than you have. They’ve survived longer. If Life is a game, they are beating you and beating you badly. You could die tomorrow and they’d still be alive. How’s that taste, Nancy?
2.) THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE SHIT AND THEY COULDN’T CARE LESS.
When was the last time you saw someone older freaking out about a text or tweet they blasted by accident? Let me answer that one for you: NEVER. They don’t give a shit. They had kids or not; they’ve been communicating with their friends longer than you’ve been alive, and it’s worked fine so far and it’s continuing to work fine. They’re relaxed. They don’t give a shit about status updates or being the first person to rip Ricky Gervais’ subpar Golden Globes monologue and put it on YouTube. In short: They’ve got their priorities in order.
3.) THEY MIGHT NOT WEAR THE TRENDIEST CLOTHES BUT THEY’VE KILLED HITLER.
See that old person wearing the old person jeans that look brand new and don’t quite fit right? And those bright white sneakers? Oh, and those insanely big and crazy looking sunglasses? Yeah, well that guy has more than likely killed fucking Hitler or a bunch of Nazis or done something equally important or daring. This is compared to you, who think something “daring” is trying the semi-soft tofu at the shitty Chinese restaurant you do open mics at. Also, you or your fucking hipster friends will be wearing those bright sneakers and crazy looking sunglasses in about 3 months when you see Mayer Hawthorne doing it.
4.) SHIT USED TO BE FUCKED UP, AND OLD PEOPLE USED TO LIVE IN THAT FUCKED UP WORLD.
When my mother was a child, she used to go to the shoe store with her parents. There was a box there you could put your foot into, and it would show you how the bones of your feet fit in the shoe you were wearing. Nowadays, we call those “X-Ray Machines”, and doctors drape you in lead and leave the room when they turn them on. THESE WERE JUST HANGING OUT IN SHOE STORES. Dry cleaning bags, lead paint, whatever that stuff was that turned a rat and a bunch of reptile pets into Shredder and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - old people have lived through it all, and none of it killed them. These are people who have jumped out of planes before pussy shit like “safety regulations” existed. So the next time you whine about cutting yourself on your Skymall ergonomically designed eco-plastic rechargeable lithium ion power can opener, punch yourself really hard in the crotch. Or call me and I’ll come over and do it, right after I finish laughing in your stupid weak face. THEY USED TO X-RAY KIDS FEET TO SEE IF SHOES FIT AND THAT’S NOT A JOKE YOU GUYS .
There’s about ten thousand other reasons why old people rock and I love them: They’ve got great stories; they have a weird way of doing some things that is totally awesome; they’re funny; they don’t care about shit; they do care about really stupid tiny shit; they have wrinkled and faded tattoos; the list goes on and on. I love old people, and I hope to be one some day. WHO’S WITH ME?!?
