Thanks to everyone who came out to wish me a happy birthday last night!  I had a fantastic time - even though I drank more Chinese whiskey than any mortal ever should. Ugh.

In lieu of presents, I asked everyone to anonymously write down a secret about themselves that no one else knows. Whether we mean to or not, we all lead secret lives - and I think the things we don’t tell each other are sometimes more important than the things we do. I’m a big fan of the site Post Secret and thought it would be fun for all my friends to know something about each other that they wouldn’t - or couldn’t - say in person.

Here are all the secrets that I got last night (mine included). They’re written here in the order that I pulled em out of the box. Enjoy, and if one of these is yours… Thank you for sharing it. ;)

When I was young, the commercial for Nail (with the chick on the beach) gave me a boner and I jacked off.

I’ve run into parked cars and didn’t leave a note. :(

I have hemorrhoids.

I’m uncircumcised.

Early one Saturday morning I looked out my window and watched as a man got the shit kicked out of him by 10-12 other guys.  I never called the police.

The best Chinese food contains rat.  Everything else is awful.

I pooped my pants while being detained in a police station.

I own the Paula Abdul/MC Skat Cat album.

When I was 9 I got mad at my mom and poured glitter in her moisturizer. She had glitter on her face for months and never knew where it came from.

I wait for the employees to switch out at the Trader Joe’s Samble Booth so I can get extra free samples without judgment.

I automatically judge/dislike people who get through life through nepotism.

I once threw up and had diarrhea at the same time.

Jimmy Hoffa is in a landfill in Hamtramck

My grandparents are first cousins.

I hate Bley.

I took a girl to a dance and then never spoke to her again even when we were alone for no reason at all.

I used to sleep with a stuffed dog… Until I was 25.

Last time I had to piss in my car I got a big water bottle out of my backseat and parked up on this hill and was pissing and this van came outta nowhere and it startled me and I pissed all over my windshield.

The first girl I ever kissed… I tried to have sex with her just after kissing her… It didn’t work cause I didn’t know how things worked and I was just pushing into the hair.

I slept with a married man 4 months after moving to LA.

Took human growth hormone for four years.

I hate my dad.

My secret is I can’t stand country music.

In Kindergarten I took a dead butterfly (in a butter dish) to school for animal day (I didn’t think twice).

I stole library books from college.

I stole my boss’ Vicodin pills.

I love a good spanking.

I still enjoy the music stylings of Limp Bizkit.

I stole money from my parents to pay for an abortion.

I still miss him.

My nipples are masking taped down.

I only drove home drunk once.

I read some of the secrets.

I almost cheated on my girlfriend once.

As a kid, while taking a dump at my friend’s house, I didn’t make it to the toilet and crapped on the rug in front of the toilet. I tried to clean it but just rubbed it in more.

My brother gave handjobs to our neighbor when he was 16 and my brother was 22. Neighbor is a “straight” youth leader now.

I told people I lost my virginity at 17, but I really lost it at 21.

In 2002, I strangled a Thai hooker to death with a piano key necktie outside of Palm Springs.

I’m not gay!!!!!!!

My brother used to read “family” porn stories.

I used to stick notes on strangers on the train.

I once worked in a porn shop for six weeks.

I like to masturbate anywhere unorthodox. Highlights: Grandma’s closet, Airplane bathroom, on a road trip while driving.

In high school, I gave a speech on why penguins don’t have knees.

There was a month at work where I jerked off every single day at work. It was exhilarating.

I fucked Aaron B. last night.

I’ve had a threesome.

I wish I was still with one of my ex-girlfriends.

I click through my facebook friends pages a million times a day.

I need earplugs to go to sleep because I wake up easily.

I shit my pants before coming to your birthday party.

I was once a Christian Clown.

As a kid, I used to break into my friend’s houses when I knew they were on vacation to steal their videogames.

I have a pet skunk.

(No secret, but a drawing of a man with a giant erection)

I kissed a boy in a game of spin the bottle. That sucked.

I was born with a penis.

My thoughts sometimes scare me. And not in a good way.

I have a crush on the birthday boy. I don’t know who the birthday boy is. Please don’t make me leave.

I climb over the fence and watch you sleep at night!  Am I doing this right?  Kisses, Shane