Aaron Bleyaert: The Opposite of Rico Suave.
Well, the Disqus people say that the comments thing has been fixed; and in line with my current streak of shit luck, it involved erasing basically all the comments that anyone has ever posted. I asked if they could still have the problem fixed and bring all the comments back - and they said that they’re looking into it. Let’s all cross our fingers and hope for the best (which will probably involve the computer blowing up and horribly scarring my face). The Disqus peeps have been super nice and attentive, so I have some hope that they’ll come through. However, the ghost of the evil wizard in my house who is intent on ruining everything (and whom I have taken to calling “Gary”) will probably working overtime to make sure that it doesn’t happen. GAARRRRRRRRRRY!!! Damn you, Gary. Damn you and your wizarding ways.
Anyway, it’s time to stop thinking about bad luck. It’s time to move forward… And looking forward, I see that Valentine’s Day is coming up this weekend! As many of you already know, I am hopelessly, forever single - and single for three main reasons: 1. I’m bad at talking to girls. 2. I look like an out of shape muppet, and 3. I get sweaty at weird times (in the cereal aisle at the supermarket? How is that possible?). HOWEVER, there are silver linings to this neverending cloud of bachelorhood: I don’t have to do anything for Valentine’s Day! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA WINNER.
Anyway, for those of you who’ve spent the past week listening to Coldplay and wishing for a woman, I feel like it’s my duty to try to help you scoop somebody up before the big day. SO… I’ve come up with a bunch of pickup lines that I think might help you out! However, please keep in mind that I am extremely nerdy, extremely single, and EXTREMELY bad at chattin’ up chicks. READY!? LET’S GO!
Ten Nerdy Pickup Lines Will Either Get You Laid Or Laughed at:
1. “Baby, you’re like a Star Trek communicator - You’re off the hook.”
2. “Trying to live without you is as uselsss as trying to escape the Sarlaac Pit on Tatooine… And twice as painful.”
3. “It doesn’t take the superhuman hypersensitive abilities of Daredevil to see that you are one good looking lady.”
4. ”You’re so fine that even the Horiba PLCA-800 Liquid Particle Sensor can’t detect you.”
5. ”Baby, you’re like Professor X… I can’t get you out of my mind. Also, I think that’s an attractive wheelchair.” (Note: Only for use on hot chicks in wheelchairs)
6. ”You’re more attractive than a 800 Mhz Electromagnetic Superconduction NMR magnet.
7. ”Girl, I’ll be up in your place like a Doctor Who marathon - CUZ I GO ALL NIGHT.”
8. ”Hey, I’ve got a FOURTH Universal Law of Robotics… Thou shalt let me buy you a drink.”
9. ”My love for you is stronger than a myosincratic polypeptide protein bond… Which, as I’m sure you know, is pretty strong.”
10. “When I first saw you, my heart made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs.”
LADIES: If someone uses one of these lines on you, here’s the perfect comeback;
“Sorry nerd, but I’m like Uaatu The Watcher… I can’t get involved.”
YOU’RE WELCOME, INTERNET. Now go forth and… Kiss each other, or something.
