Routine is important. I believe in getting into some good habits and sticking with them. Here’s my post-work routine:

6pm - I arrive home from work and park my car.

6:03pm - I walk inside to the lobby of my building and check to see if I have any mail.

6:06pm -  I walk upstairs to my apartment.

6:07pm - I open the door, and lock it behind me.

6:09pm - I immediately take off my shoes, so as to not get my apartment dirty.

6:10pm - I take off my pants and drop them in the “pants pile” next to my door - pants are the devil’s tool, I hate wearing them, they are constrictive and chaftastic. They come off my body and go on the floor where they belong.

6:13pm - I don’t want to look like an asshole, so I take off my socks.  They go in the sock pile next to the refrigerator.

6:20pm - Whenever I enter my apartment, I am hungry. I don’t know what it is, but the smell of garbage and Old Spice arouses a hunger in me the likes of which god nor man has ever seen.  Luckily, I have crock pot going at all times with some wort of meaty stew inside, so I choose the least dirty bowl out of the sink and spoon some slop into it. Dinner, as they say, is served.

6:43pm - I flip on some tunes - right now it’s Blakroc - and do a couple reps on the weight bench. I get a good pump going, then flex in the bathroom mirror for a good fifteen to twenty minutes.

7:10pm - Prayer. 

8:00pm - I sit down and put some more work in on this year’s Christmas list; I thought that I wanted the Slap Chop, but I’m starting to reconsider. It might be the Shoedini that I ask for instead.

9:12pm - I go out on my balcony and wonder which apartment Red Haired Hot Girl lives in.

9:14pm - I realize that I’m still not wearing pants.

9:26pm - Still not wearing pants.

9:42pm - I look down.  I see zero pants.

10:03pm - Pants?  Negative.

10:42pm - “Ground Control to Major Pants.  Ground Control to Major Pants… Sir, I think it’s hopeless.”

11:02pm - ¿Soy los pantalones que usan? I don’ t piensa tan, motherfucker.

11:43pm - When did I learn Spanish?

12:06am - I go back inside. And continue to not wear any goddamn stupid pants.

12:19am - I stare off into space and wonder what it would be like if dinosaurs still walked the earth.

12:20am - I come to the conclusion that it would suck.  They probably take gigantic craps.

12:34am - Against my better judgment, I turn on Big Brother.

2:19am - I suddenly look to my right, see an empty box of Triscuits and what looks like the bones of what used to be a chicken. Fucking blackout shame eating.

2:20am - Disgusted with myself, I fire up the computer, crap out today’s BRILLIANT BLOG POST, AND VOILA!

… And that is how I spend my weeknights. EVERY weeknight.  I cannot wait until I stop acting like this.