DEAR HIPSTERS: WHY ARE YOU SO ALWAYS SO SAD?
Last night I went out with Tony Z and Handsome Paul to some Echo Park Mexican restaurant that turns into this fucked up weird dance club every Wednesday night. Despite watching Handsome Paul work his crazy “Handsome Paul Charms” on all the hot ladies, it was still pretty horrible. We were partying it up, but there was a real stabby vibe all up in there. Looking for somewhere else to get our dance party on where we wouldn’t wake up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney the next morning, we left and went across the street.
Across the street, there was a band playing in this really tiny art gallery thing filled with hipsters. We decided to go in… And it was immediately a problem. See, the band (Adeline & The Philistines) was awesome - they were fun, rockin’, and could actually sing - so us three wanted to party it up and dance it out! Unfortunately, all the lame ass hipsters wanted to just stand there quietly and stare at the band. IT WAS SO WEIRD. To make matters worse, this whole room was probably the size of a large living room, so it’s not like we could go in the back or get away from anyone and start our own private dace party - it had to happen right next to the giant pile of wet blankets wearing emo makeup and skinny jeans. In a word: IT SUCKED. Some of them laughed at us, but mostly they just stared through us and tried to maintain an air of cold indifference:
Who the fuck are you? Why are you so old? What’s that thing you’re doing where you move your body in rhythm with the music? We are both afraid of you and filled with pity. Also, who is this “Bob Seger” you speak of?
Anyway, it was disappointing. I am physically incapable of being embarrassed, but it angered me that everyone was choosing to not have fun. The hipsters all seemed like nice people, but I’m bored with people who seem to enjoy posing and pouting. Why is this? Why can’t hipsters rip it up and have a little fun? Maybe they are all shackled by their skinny jeans and too-tight vintage windbreakers? Maybe they’re insecure and afraid others laughing at them? Perhaps they are malnourished from their macrobiotic raw food hyper veganism diet and can’t move around too much lest they pass out? WHATEVER, SUCKAS. LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT TZ, HP, & YOURS TRULY IMPREGNATED ALL THE FIND ECHO PARK HONEYS WITHIN A TEN MILE RADIUS OF OUR ALL MALE ANTI-HIPSTER DANCE PARTY. It was like the end of Highlander up in that shit! (But with more dancing of course.)
Tonight there’s a birthday party for our Lead Editor Dan Dome… And I CAN GUARANTEE THAT IT WILL RULE BECAUSE THERE WILL BE ZERO HIPSTERS IN ATTENDANCE. What are YOU up to tonight, sugarsnap? ;)
