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Episode 37: The Velvet Monkey

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 21:29:28 -0400

World traveler Tai takes the boys step by step through throwing the perfect dinner party, and explains what to do when you’re stuck a foreign country staring down a monkey that gives handjobs with a tiny velvet glove.

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This week Tai tells one of the greatest stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing. That’s a high bar to jump over, and he does it WITH EASE. Enjoy!

Episode 36: Rebel Wilson Sucks At Boys

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 21:46:00 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

Star of the upcoming ABC show “Super Fun Night”, the always amazing Rebel Wilson talks about her disastrous wardrobe malfunction during lunch with Big Bang’s Jason Segel, her awkward first date, and why she’s as bad at the opposite sex as RJ & Bley are.

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Rebel Wilson Photo courtesy of Eva Rinaldi Photography

This one was a blast! Rebel is amazing and basically my favorite person of all time.

Episode 35: A Single Man

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 20:05:59 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

In a stunning turn of events, RJ reveals that he is single once again. The boys try to figure out what went wrong. Also, Bley joins Snapchat. BUCKLE UP.

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RJ IS SINGLE AGAIN. SHIT GETS REAL. You’re not gonna wanna miss this one, kids.

nevver: Not right now While I don’t agree with this,...

Wed, 29 May 2013 16:00:01 -0400

nevver:

Not right now

While I don’t agree with this, it’s still great.

Photo

Wed, 22 May 2013 15:27:34 -0400

Episode 34: Crash & Burn

Tue, 21 May 2013 19:07:51 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

RJ & Bley tackle some fan questions, reveal the times their parents caught them with porn, and Bley asks a co-worker to dinner with disasterous results. CRASH & BURN.

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For those of you who’ve asked if my boss knows about this podcast, here’s your answer.

laughingsquid: Ricky Gervais Teaches Guitar as David Brent From...

Tue, 21 May 2013 14:40:11 -0400

laughingsquid:

Ricky Gervais Teaches Guitar as David Brent From the UK Version of ‘The Office’

PERFECT. DYING.

jonahray: Click the pic to see me talk about the time Lars...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:28:23 -0400

jonahray:

Click the pic to see me talk about the time Lars Ulrich downloaded music illegally.

Also, watch the rest of the set this friday on COMEDY CENTRAL’S THE HALF HOUR!

Jonah is hilarious and this is a great story.

Episode 33: Moms

Mon, 13 May 2013 02:27:30 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

In this special Mother’s Day episode, RJ & Bley call their moms to find out whether or not their dads were as bad at dating as they are.

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In this week’s horrendously embarrassing episode, I reveal to RJ the incredibly awkward “Sex Basket” my mom once gave to an ex of mine. I’ve never seen someone’s mind melt so completely.

"Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different."

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:11:01 -0400

““Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.””

- C.S. Lewis (via stxxz)

Episode 32: TOMBOY

Mon, 06 May 2013 21:10:19 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

RJ & Bley welcome Bley’s former crush Erni, who talks about growing up as a tomboy. Also, Bley makes an ass of himself. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

Check out the holiday Erni co-created here: MEAT WEEK

Erni’s Official Site

More RJ & Bley:

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Get ready for some TRULY embarrassing shit about yours truly.

Ugh. This is a rough one.

Fuck.

The Four Most Important Farts Of My Life: #1

Fri, 03 May 2013 02:44:00 -0400

1995. Whitmore Lake, MI

“The Cool Thing To Do” when you’re a camp counselor and you’re on your day off with the other camp counselors is to go to the beach and go skinny dipping. The only problems are that it’s co-ed, and that I am a fat teenager with major body issues who doesn’t even like taking his baggy sweatshirt off because the tee shirt underneath doesn’t really fit right. As the sun goes down, we build a bonfire and everyone else gets naked and runs into the surf. The peer pressure to “relax and just zen out, man” is incredible. It’s really stressing me out.

Tank (the other counselors call him that because he’s built like one and because the other counselors are terrible coming up with creative nicknames) is not in the surf, however. No. Everyone tried - with no success - to get me to take off my clothes and go in the water, and Tank is the last person still trying to convince me that “dude, just do it, it’s awesome”. Undercutting the awesomeness of being naked is his penis, which is about 8 inches from my eyes. It’s looking into my face; into my soul. I can’t help but think that police interrogators could learn a thing or two from Tank. Good Cop, Bad Penis.

I look past his non-tank-size dick to the surf beyond, squinting to try to better see Claire - this summer’s unbearable crush - who is in the water. Naked. I curse the brackish Michigan water and the falling dusk for not letting me see her more naked. At 19, I am great at getting boners from pretty much anything about Claire - the line of her blue skirt across the tanned skin of her thigh; the soft curve of her neck down into her ratty grey “DARTMOUTH” sweatshirt; the way the morning sun gently caresses the side of her face as she purposefully chews her oatmeal - but it is impossible for me to get a boner from just the back of her head floating on the water next to Tank’s penis. I sigh and look up, past an enormous amount of tangled pubic hair, to his face. Okay, half his face.

“Come on, man. No one will see you anyway.” He says.

“No, man. I’m out. I feel sick.” I say, lying.

The part of his face that isn’t blocked by the Pubeclipse looks frustrated. It feels like he’s been trying to convince me to go skinny dipping for the better part of an hour. Of course, with what could best be described as “a brown fright wig with a dick poking out of it” in my face, it’s a little hard to keep track of the time. At his wit’s end, Tank finally tries a guilt trip Hail Mary:

“Look Bleyaert, I’m just going to say it: it’s a little weird for the girls if there’s just one guy who won’t get naked and go in the water. You know what I’m saying? It’s weird. And you don’t really look that sick.”

I look back out at the water, and at the back of Claire’s beautiful squarish brunette head, wondering if it would be weird to skinny dip in full clothing. Then I wonder if this is some sort of adolescent test of manhood. And if it’s actually possible to kill yourself when all you have is sand and an overwhelming wish to die.

The three of us wait; Tank, standing resolutely; Tank’s penis, defiantly staring into my soul; me, staring into the flames of the fire, wondering how long it would take to burn myself alive - the three of us listening to the sounds of the other counselors nakedly playing in the surf and the wind rustling through Tank’s heaping mound of pubis majora. He must take some kind of supplements.

Then, magic.

The Gods smile as my stomach turns; my bowels unexpectedly and forcefully produce an ungodly stench that arrives with the sound of someone squishing a bag of eggs. Even though the wind is blowing steadily, I can see on Tank’s face he smells it. Something in him breaks. He looks back at the rest of the naked counselors playing in the surf.

“Okay, forget it. I’m going in the water.”

He leaves.

Later, I see Claire naked. I am thankful to still be wearing my Jorts.

WHEN YOU'RE ON A DATE AND REALIZE SHE'S NOT DOING A SARAH SILVERMAN JOKE AND IS ACTUALLY A HORRIBLE RACIST

Wed, 01 May 2013 15:08:29 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

This happened to me once. It was SUPER WEIRD AND TERRIBLE.

Wrote and directed this. Happy Birthday, Willie!

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:44:49 -0400

Wrote and directed this. Happy Birthday, Willie!

Episode 31: God & Distance

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 21:52:35 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

RJ & Bley talk to the most religious person they know about the role God plays in his relationships, and Bley defends his theory that long distance relationships aren’t relationships.

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Well, I’m a dick. We all know it. Sorry.

Pressure

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 02:27:00 -0400

Take a piece of string that’s four inches long, and using four toothpicks as stakes, make a square on the ground. Now imagine that the one inch square you’ve made is actually a one inch square column that stretches up, up, up, all the way to the edge of our atmosphere - from the end of the blue to the start of the black - to the beginning of space, where it stops. Now imagine you take the combined weight of that one inch column of air. Do you know how much that would weigh? Just that square inch of air? Almost fifteen pounds. That’s a bowling ball. Or the force of the average human hug.

The average human body is about 147 square inches, which means that, while you are sitting there, there’s over twenty two hundred pounds of pressure on you at all times. That’s the weight of a small car, pressing on your body while you’re living your life. For your entire life. A small car. While you’re just sitting there. Or standing. Or waiting in line at the grocery store. Or breaking up with someone. Or thinking about someone you’ve broken up with. The weight of a small car, pressing down on you; pressing in on you from every angle. Most people never even realize the pressure is there. I can’t seem to forget it.

Pressure is important. In 1965, a human test subject at NASA’s Manned Spacecraft Center came the closest to being exposed to a complete vacuum when his space suit leaked while in a vacuum chamber. He passed out after 14 seconds, his last conscious memory feeling the water on his tongue beginning to boil. Without pressure, water evaporates as fast as vapor can diffuse. Pressure may hold us down, but pressure also holds us together. The man survived.

At the bottom of the ocean, the pressure is immense. Down, down past where divers can go, far past where the light from the sun can penetrate, the water presses on the creatures of the deep. The beasts that live under this kind of pressure are twisted, horrific things. Out of some child’s nightmare, demons made real in the world below. But this horror is just an illusion; if brought to the surface, we would see these beasts for what they really are: Fragile, sad creatures. Blind to the light. Trying to survive the same as us. If brought straight to the surface, they would explode and wither, their skin as unable to protect them in our world as our skin is unable to protect us in the world above. For any us to live, the pressure needs to be just right.

Unwind that four inch long piece of string from the toothpicks and wrap it around the fourth finger of your left hand. The ring finger. Ancient Greeks chose this finger for their wedding bands because they believed that there was a vein - the Vena Amoris - that ran directly from this finger to the heart. This is a fallacy, of course; the same vein structure runs through all your fingers. But as you wind the string tighter and tighter, the pressure inside your finger - now feeling a bit betrayed - builds. The finger begins to change color. Wind that string tighter still, and the pressure becomes painful. The colored finger begins to pulse in time with your heartbeat. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum.

The human heart at rest beats about once a second. Sometimes a little more. But one beat is all the heart needs to push blood to every part of your body. One beat. Ba bum. One cardiac cycle. Ba bum. The average human blood pressure is 120/80. The systole pressure - that first number, the amount of force with which the heart expels blood - equals out to about two and a half pounds with every beat. Ba bum. Ba bum. In simpler terms: Your heart creates enough pressure once a second to shoot out a small sack of potatoes. Ba bum. Powerful thing, the human heart.

Let the heart do its job. Unwind the string, release the pressure on your finger, feel the blood rush back in. The blood, the pump, the finger, the fish, the sea, the sky, the air, the car, the string.

Pressure.

You can measure the pressure of almost anything on almost anything; the beat of the heart, the weight of the air, the crush of the deep. But no one can measure how the universe closes in when we’re apart. No one can calculate the weight that lifts off my shoulders when I see you again. No one knows what it’s like to take you in my arms; to kiss you on the mouth. The pressure between the two of us as deep as the ocean, as heavy as the car, as light as the sky above.

Episode 30: The Token Lesbian

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:06:14 -0400

rjandbleysuckatgirls:

The boys welcome a girl who’s into girls. Chaos ensues.

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DJ HENNESSY YOUNGMAN

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 18:08:16 -0400

DJ HENNESSY YOUNGMAN:

mattbraunger:

This is maybe the funniest thing out there right now. Hennessy Youngman, hilarious hip-hop/performance/comedy artist put together this mixtape of “CVS Bangers.” That is, songs you hear while shopping at CVS. Complete with air horns, shotgun blasts, and dancehall yells of “Bon-Fiya!”

Made me yell-laugh in the car and pound the steering wheel. Jesus.

This is brilliant.

RJ & Bley #29: Murder Lake

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 17:24:00 -0400

RJ & Bley welcome their mysterious co-worker Kramer who talks about keeping your private life private, being a dude with long hair, and how sometimes it’s just easier to kill someone than break up with them. Wait, what?

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"Quite simply, I was in love with New York. I do not mean “love” in any colloquial way, I mean that I..."

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 15:08:11 -0400

“Quite simply, I was in love with New York. I do not mean “love” in any colloquial way, I mean that I was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and you never love anyone quite that way again. I remember walking across Sixty-second Street one twilight that first spring, or the second spring, they were all alike for a while. I was late to meet someone but I stopped at Lexington Avenue and bought a peach and stood on the corner eating it and knew that I had come out out of the West and reached the mirage. I could taste the peach and feel the soft air blowing from a subway grating on my legs and I could smell lilac and garbage and expensive perfume and I knew that it would cost something sooner or later – because I did not belong there, did not come from there – but when you are twenty-two or twenty-three, you figure that later you will have a high emotional balance, and be able to pay whatever it costs. I still believed in possibilities then, still had the sense, so peculiar to New York, that something extraordinary would happen any minute, any day, any month.”

- Joan Didion (via troubled)