Thank you again to everyone who came out to celebrate with my buddy Kipper and I for our double birthday party last night! I had a goddamned blast.

So, as everyone knows, I am weird and can’t have a regular birthday like a normal adult. I like to have some sort of twist or theme for my birthday party; last year, I asked everyone to anonymously write down a secret they had never told anyone else. It was fun, it was weird, it was hilarious and eye-opening. People got some shit off their chests and got a free drink in the process. Boom. BDAY PARTY MAGIC.

This year, the twist was obvious: it’s 2012 after all, and the world is going to end in less than 12 months. So, I asked everyone to make a “Birthday Party Death Face”; when the Apocalypse comes, how you gonna go out?! Fire? Flood? Fighting off zombies with a giant machete?!!? The possibilities of how the world is going to end are horrific and endless - AND HERE’S HOW EVERYONE’S GONNA LOOK WHEN IT GOES DOWN:

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I am a slob. A slob. Right now my apartment looks like a tornado hit a box set of TLC’s “Hoarders”. I used to say that it’s burglar defense; if any burglar ever broke into my apartment, they’d be all like “Oh, dude, we already hit this one. Let’s move on next door.” BOOM. BURGLARS DEFENSED. Aaron Bleyaert = All Time Brilliant Genius (also what’s going on my headstone, btw). 

However, that was 2011. The Year Of Lies. LIES!

This is 2012, and it’s a year of truth. An honest year. A year of no more bullshit. It’s time to be honest with myself (and all of you), and really “come clean” about the horribly messy state of my apartment: The filthy appearance of my apartment is a new way of interior design that I’ve invented. I’m calling this groundbreaking and utterly genius new kind of interior design “Maximalism” (and before you ask: No. It has nothing to do with Maxim, although my double subscription - one to read, one to archive - has run out and I need to re-up stat).

The idea behind “Maximalism” is simple: It’s the opposite of Minimalism.

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