Okay okay okay okay. You all saw yesterday’s post, right?  I was having a some laughs -a few yuks, a couple chuckles - but the real truth of it was that my closet leaked, and I spent the whole day doing laundry so that every piece of clothing I owned didn’t get ruined (the zoot suit is fine, everybody).  

Well.  Apparently that was the beginning of my troubles.

After I finished the blog last night, my laptop started acting funny… Then it froze up and died.  Yeah. That sucked.  

Twenty minutes later, I realize that no of the texts I had sent in the past hour had gone through. I try to call my friend Tim about shooting something today…. I get an ominous “your account cannot be validated”.  Double suckage.

“Forget it” I think.  ”I’m going to bed”.  I cut my foot on the metal frame of the bed.  I know.

So I get up today - ready to take charge!  Ready to fix my phone!  Ready to fix my laptop!  Not only do I cut my face shaving in the shower, but after setting the razor down, I knock it off the shower caddy… Where it falls and cuts my OTHER foot.  I’m not kidding.

I head to the Sprint store.  They fix my problem (my mom got a phone and they gave it my number by accident), then I head to work, just in time to see this:

That’s the second to last piece of the set that was left.  Say it with me: Depression.

I ask the engineers who are still at work to help me fix my laptop, but it’s clear that it’s totally dead.  (Sidenote: That’ll be fun after the 19th, when I can’t use my work computer any more)   ;)

Anyway, I grab dinner with my friend Tim, see my friend Alison in a UCB comedy show, then come back home… Where I realize that my cable has gone out (!), that almost all the comments on the last post have been erased, and my phone = back to no worky.  God DAMN. 

Did any of you guys see Paranormal Activity?  I didn’t… But is there a scene where the ghost keeps fucking up everything electronic in that couple’s apartment?  Because I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on here.

Either that… Or, you know, evil wizard curse.

Dudes!  Thoughts?  How do I reverse this luck?!  Burn some sage?  Hang some horseshoes?  Eat some Lucky Charms?  What?!?

Well, I’ve done a pretty bang up job of fixing all the crap that Gary’s screwed up - my laptop is still a casualty at the moment - but my phone, bloody feet, and flooded closet have all been patched up and put back to (mostly) normal.  HOWEVER, Gary - the ghost of an evil wizard who I’m convinced is haunting my house - has coming up with a new and incredibly annoying trick: Crickets.  Yes, you read that right; Crickets have started to invade my house. Fucking Gary.

Now, I’m not scared of crickets like I am cockroaches, so grabbing them and throwing them outside or flushing them down the toilet isn’t a problem.  HOWEVER, what IS a problem is that they make a fucking CHIRPING NOISE.  Like, when I’m trying to sleep. Or watch TV. Or talk on the phone.  Or when I’m sitting here RIGHT NOW WRITING THIS BLOG.  It is, how do you say, SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING. I’ve hunted down three chirptastic little buggers already today, and it sounds like there’s two more somewhere in my living room.  Oh, Gary.  I am going to get you, motherfucker.  You’ve got my word on that. And I’m a man of my word.

In other Garyless news, I went out to eat with my sister tonight, and we ran into Tonight Show Bass Player Mike Merritt!  It’s so weird seeing people from work on the street, because it’s like running into an old war buddy or something - you’ve both been through so much drama and craziness that there’s an unspoken bond between you.  You know what I’m trying to say?  Anyway, it was awesome seeing him; hugs, high fives, etc. We talked for a bit about rumors and such, and I asked him to tell me the next time that he’s playing a gig with the guys, so I can let all you LA based folks know where you can catch em… I think they’ve been playing out quite a bit, so they can be as sharp as a box of tacks when we get back on the air!

Oh!  And speaking of people from work, Script Supervisor (and awesome podcast theme writer) John Crotteau got called up to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune!!  How awesome is that??!  I don’t know all the details, but when we had dinner a few days ago he told me all about how he auditioned and everything, and he thought it went pretty well but you never know, etc.  I can’t wait to see him win some cash!  I know he’ll do great.  I’ll definitely let you guys know when his episode airs, so you can all check him out and root him on!  WHEEL.  OF. FORTUNNNNNE.  So awesome.  ;)

That’s all for today, kids.  Have a great weekend, awesome Valentine’s day, and a fantastic Friday night!  Peace out!

Hey everybody!  Hope you had a fantastic Valentine’s Day weekend!  My weekend was free of Gary and full of The Mule, so I had a blast!  Since The Mule was in town (an old college buddy who was visiting from New York), this weekend was less productive and more… Partyful than I had hoped.  All insane work ethics aside, sometimes it’s nice to just relax and rock it out for a bit.  Can you dig it?  I knew you could.

Saturday night was a Channel 101 party at my friends Erin & Dan’s house, which was super fun; then yesterday (since it was like 80 goddamn degrees out here in LA) I had a Valentine’s Day pool party at my house!  Good times, gooood times.  After the pool party, we all went out to sing some sweet sweet karaoke… And I stumbled upon possibly the BEST KARAOKE SONG OF ALL TIME: Silent Night.

Yes. Silent Night.

The Christmas classic.

I don’t know why it was even in that book of songs, but there is one really good reason why you should never, ever, EVER put Xmas songs in a karaoke book: Because yours truly LIVES for that kind of shit! Of course, I have the voice of an angel and a face to match, so this motherfucker had THE WHOLE ROOM singing along to the chorus - I think I heard some ladies in the back weeping with happiness - but take heed, dear friends: In the hands of a lesser performer, singing Silent Night at a rowdy LA karaoke bar (I think I followed House of Pain’s “Jump Around”) really could’ve been a disaster.  As it happened, I crushed it and once again shattered the boundaries of what’s possible in yet another arena of life experience - but please note that that kind of karaoke song selection is not for the weak of heart.  In other words: Don’t try this at home (also, you shouldn’t be singing karaoke at home by yourself, anyway. That’s just sad).

Let’s just all be thankful that the night ended before my next selection came up…  I don’t think 80 drunken idiots wanted to hear Deck the Halls.  Ha ha.

Anyway, between all the beautiful singing, ladies weeping, and karaoke envelope pushing that was going on, I drank a shit ton of delicious whiskey last night. I woke up this morning with 46 cold chicken wings and a block of Parmesan cheese in my fridge that had three separate types of bite marks in it. Don’t ask.

Oh!  Speaking of Valentine’s Day, here’s a great little story (100% true) that happened to me on on the last Valentine’s Day I spent in New York. You may have seen it before on my Facebook page, but for those who haven’t… Enjoy!

Read More

As I continue to be incredibly mind numbingly, toilet bowl cloggingly sick, I have been watching a lot of TV today.  A LOT.  You ever watch so much TV that you end up re-watching the exact same stuff that you were watching earlier in the day?  Yeah.  That’s pretty depressing.  And is EXACTLY WHERE I’M AT.

Normally, I don’t really watch that much television.  I live with a shitty ghost named Gary who fucks up my shit 24/7, so I try to be out of the house as much as possible.  However, today I made up for all that, by watching a metric shit ton (a real scientific measurement) of television.  And here is what I learned:

People are stupid.

Seriously.  Really, REALLY stupid.

First of all, I watched this show called “Ghost Hunters”.  I’m sure you’ve heard of it.  If you haven’t, it’s basically these grown adult men running around in the dark with a bunch of expensive equipment and hearing weird crap and thinking that they’re about to uncover the paranormal.  Now, if you wanna run around in the dark, that’s great.  If you can convince people to give you money to do it, and put it on TV, even better.  Excellent work.  Hugs all around.  However, please PLEASE don’t try to convince me that you’re about to prove the existence of ghosts on a fucking show that airs on a Tuesday at 3:30 in the afternoon on TBS.  I THINK IF YOU HAD COME ACROSS IRREFUTIBLE EVIDENCE THAT PROVED BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT THERE WAS ACTUALLY AN AFTERLIFE AND HENCE IMMEDIATELY BECAME THE BIGGEST SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY, I FEEL LIKE IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FEATURED ON A NEWS CHANNEL AT SOME POINT, YES?  IS THAT FAIR TO SAY?!  PERHAPS I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A TWEET OR A TEXT MESSAGE OR POSSIBLY SEEN AN INKLING OF SUCH A DISCOVERY ON THE FRONT FUCKING PAGE OF EVERY NEWSPAPER AND MAGAZINE IN THE WORLD AT SOME POINT?

“Hey Rob! What are you up to?”

“Oh, nothing much. Was just watching some Ghost Hunters on TBS.  Hey, did you know that before the last commercial break they discovered that no one ever actually dies, and that all the major religions are just a sham because there’s no Heaven or Hell, but instead our bodies just expire while our eternal souls transcend upon a higher plane of existence where we can commune with all the other souls of every creature that has ever lived and that even though we’re quote unquote ‘dead’, we can still choose to make contact with what we here on Earth still percieve as the living world?”

“No shit?”

“Yeah.  No Shit.  Just saw it on Ghost Hunters.  On TBS.”

“Sweet. You wanna hit up some Taco Bell?”

“Yeah. Let me put some pants on.”

IT’S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, PEOPLE.  So why do people watch these shows? WHO watches these shows?  It can’t all be sick disgruntled former Tonight Show employees with a bad case of the runs, can it?

Oh! Oh!  Here’s another show I watched today - actually, it was more of a special.  It was all about crop circles: Where do they come from?  Are they made by aliens?  Etc. On this program, they start off by being polite and saying “Well,crop circles have been around for awhile, blah blah blah, and some people think that it’s aliens, blah blah blah” and then they politely interview some guy with a goatee and a leather vest (why does everyone who believes in aliens dress like they’re from the 80’s?), and this dude is all like “yeah, crop circles are too difficult for humans to make. they’re too geometrically perfect”.  THEN, however, they interview this OTHER bloke who’s all like “yeah, me and my friends have been making crop circles for the past 14 years”, and they literally show these guys making this gigantic intricate crop circle in like two hours!  TWO HOURS.  IN THE DARK, BY THE WAY. (That part was pretty sweet, actually)  Then they go BACK to Goatee McLeathervest, and he’s like “No, still aliens. Crop circles are all based on math, and they’re just too large for humans to make.”  Human beings made THE PYRAMIDS, YOU DUMBASS. NO WONDER THEY HAVE TO PRINT “DO NOT EAT” ON THOSE LITTLE BAGS OF SILICA THAT COME IN EVERYTHING - BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THAT THEIR NEW PAIR OF SNEAKERS CAME WITH A BITE SIZED SNACK.

I swear to god.  This is why I can’t watch TV.  I just get too angry. Hopefully, I’ll feel better tommorrow and can leave the house.

Now it’s time to go watch a show about a bunch of really good looking people who live on a magical island with a giant smoke monster.  ;)

Talk to you guys tomorrow.

Thank you for all your great comments/suggestions about how you’d like to see Conan use his Twitter account!  As you know, I always like to hear what you guys have to say. You haven’t let me down yet!  (Except for you.  And you.  You both know who you are)

I heard that Oprah mentioned Conan tweeting on her show today - and even read one of his tweets!!  Wow!  What a thrill!! When the big O shows her support, you gotta feel happy!  Now if only someone could get her one of those orange wrist bands….

I’m sorry for the late blog tonight, but I have a very crazy life and a lot of things to do.  My life is a lot like Willy Wonka, but without all the candy and child killing (okay, without AS MUCH of the child killing).  Anyway.  Today was spent killing ants.  Lots of ants.  Ants in the kitchen.  Ants in the bathroom.  Ants on the wall.  Ants in the hall.  Ants on the ceiling.  Ants in the Darjeeling.  Dead ants, dead ants, dead ants. Today was just like that movie 2012… Only instead of John Cusack trying to escape death with his two kids, it was a little ant John Cusack trying to escape little ant death with a tiny piece of dried up spinach.  AND I CRUSHED HIM WITH MY THUMB UNTIL DIED IN A BLOODY MESS OF ANT JUICE.  Sorry, little ant John Cusack.  I thought you were great in “Say Antything” (sorry), but between us, you’re probably… say it with me… Better off dead.  ;)

So, I’m not going to lie to you guys:  I have a lot of little ant deaths on my conscience right now.  And while I felt bad during the first couple thousand ants I murdered… That was nothing compared to what I felt when I was done and a lone thought popped into my head:  Oh my god what if all those little ants turn into little ant ghosts? I mean, people who are unjustly murdered usually come back as ghosts right?  What about ants?!  CAN SOMEONE HELP ME OUT WITH THIS?  Seriously.  That’s all Gary needs is a stupid ant army.  Fuck!  As I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel like there are little itchy ants crawling all over my arms, and when I look, nothing’s there -  Exactly as if there were ghost ants on my arms.  Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap you guys WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOO???????  Should I spray some Raid on an Ouijia Board?  Burn a DVD of “Antz” in my kitchen?  Lure an exterminator here and murder him so that his ghost can take care of my ghost ant problem?!  UGH.  What a pain in the ass. And just when I was getting healthy!  GHOST ANTS.  I should have known.  I SHOULD HAVE FREAKING KNOWN.  Well, you know how the saying goes: When Life hands you ghost ants, make ghost ant lemonade!

Man.  That is a really stupid saying.  And incredibly specific.

Regardless, let me know if you guys think of anything.  I’ll try to consult some experts this weekend (read: drink a lot of whiskey and watch the shit out of some Ghostbusters 2)… And we’ll talk Monday! Next week should be an interesting week.  ;)