The Past is history, The Future is a mystery, and Today is a gift: That’s why we call it the “Pre-Tomorrow Post-Yesterday Time”, Dumbass.
Re: The Team Coco Tweet Contest - I’ve gone through all the tweets today, and narrowed it down a bit. More narrowing will happen tomorrow. I’m guessing a winner will be announced at the earliest on Wednesday. Again, excellent work to all. There were some seriously funny tweets in there. I was expecting today to be a chore, but it was a pleasure. Thanks for not sucking. ;)
All this time off has given me a lot of time to think. Think about my life, the choices I’ve made, and where those choices have led me. Put another way: I think I could have been a really good fortune cookie fortune writer, dudebros. Seriously. I’ve got some MAD SKILLZ. And I wouldn’t kiss up to people when I divined their fortunes. OH NO. THIS FORTUNE COOKIE AUTEUR KEEPS IT REAL AND TO THE STREETZ, NATCH. What do you want? Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the oncoming train. (You know who told me that? A dude who got hit by a train in a tunnel.) HERE ARE SOME SAMPLE FORTUNES THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN COOKIES AND I SWEAR TO GOD THESE ARE ALL AMAZING FORTUNES:
- Expect great wealth in your future. PS - We don’t always get what we expect, fuckface.
- You will go home. You will watch some TV. This will happen over and over. You will eventually die. Ha ha ha. Man, that is some funny shit.
- How was that beef and broccoli? Yeah, they should probably rename that dish “Beef and Broccoli and E.Coli because Scott always forgets to wash his hands on purpose”.
- Hey, fuck you.
- You are twice as beautiful as a cherry blossom. And about ten thousand times more whorey. Whore.
- You are a prince among men, and a king among princes. Just kidding. You’re more of a… Portapotty among festival goers.
-California Gurls will melt your popsicle. And give your penis gonorrhea.
- Confucius say: When the lights are off, a mouth is a mouth.
- Your lucky numbers are .0000000338729872, i4 · 16,000 + 2, and 14.
- No, seriously: Fuck you.
- You would look good with a bowel cut. No, that wasn’t a typo. I hope someone stabs you in the bowels.
WHADDYA YOU GUYS THINK!? I’VE GOT IT ALL SEWN UP, RIGHT??! FORTUNE COOKIE WRITING MASTER, OR NO?!??
Man oh man. I feel awful. I need to stop eating so many Jalapeno Cheetios right before I got to bed.