Re: The Team Coco Tweet Contest - I’ve gone through all the tweets today, and narrowed it down a bit.  More narrowing will happen tomorrow.  I’m guessing a winner will be announced at the earliest on Wednesday.  Again, excellent work to all. There were some seriously funny tweets in there. I was expecting today to be a chore, but it was a pleasure.  Thanks for not sucking. ;)

All this time off has given me a lot of time to think. Think about my life, the choices I’ve made, and where those choices have led me. Put another way: I think I could have been a really good fortune cookie fortune writer, dudebros.  Seriously. I’ve got some MAD SKILLZ. And I wouldn’t kiss up to people when I divined their fortunes.  OH NO.  THIS FORTUNE COOKIE AUTEUR KEEPS IT REAL AND TO THE STREETZ, NATCH.  What do you want?  Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the oncoming train. (You know who told me that?  A dude who got hit by a train in a tunnel.) HERE ARE SOME SAMPLE FORTUNES THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN COOKIES AND I SWEAR TO GOD THESE ARE ALL AMAZING FORTUNES:

- Expect great wealth in your future.  PS - We don’t always get what we expect, fuckface.

- You will go home. You will watch some TV. This will happen over and over. You will eventually die. Ha ha ha. Man, that is some funny shit.

- How was that beef and broccoli?  Yeah, they should probably rename that dish “Beef and Broccoli and E.Coli because Scott always forgets to wash his hands on purpose”.

- Hey, fuck you.

- You are twice as beautiful as a cherry blossom. And about ten thousand times more whorey.  Whore.

- You are a prince among men, and a king among princes. Just kidding. You’re more of a… Portapotty among festival goers.

-California Gurls will melt your popsicle.  And give your penis gonorrhea.

- Confucius say: When the lights are off, a mouth is a mouth.

- Your lucky numbers are .0000000338729872, i^{4 · 16,000 + 2}, and 14.

- No, seriously: Fuck you.

- You would look good with a bowel cut.  No, that wasn’t a typo. I hope someone stabs you in the bowels.

WHADDYA YOU GUYS THINK!?  I’VE GOT IT ALL SEWN UP, RIGHT??! FORTUNE COOKIE WRITING MASTER, OR NO?!??

Man oh man. I feel awful.  I need to stop eating so many Jalapeno Cheetios right before I got to bed.

Just got back from another great monthly screening of Channel 101 at The Downtown Independent Theater!  Massive turnout this month; and a ton of people that I had never seen before, which is always a great thing to see.  I hope they all were inspired by what they saw tonight and make pilots for next month!  THE CYCLE CONTINUES. 

This is going to be short, because I want to make sure I get enough sleep before tomorrow - and I’ll be doing plllllllllenty of blogging tomorrow night, so I don’t feel bad about giving all y’all the short shaft tonight. Again, if you want to see what it’s like to go to The Emmys when you’re not a rich and famous celebrity, follow all the live blogging fun over at Facebook.com/teamcoco starting at 6:30pm ET (3:30pm PT). I’LL BE BRINGING SNACKS. 

See you all tommmmmoooorrrrroooooowzzzzzzz.  Good night.  ;)

A few years ago, I spent the Summer touring around North America playing a bear who masturbates on Conan’s “Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television” tour. You can read about the whole thing here, but suffice to say… It was exactly as surreal as you’re imagining. 

The bear suit took two people to get it on, so Costume Designer Scott Cronick would get me in the suit, feet, and paws before the show started so that he could be free to deal with Conan’s costume changes (especially the skin tight leather suit) throughout the show. Then, right before the bear went out, Cronick would slap the head on and I’d hit the stage. When the head is on, you can’t really see or hear anything - and when the head is off, the slippery feet and giant bear paws make it pretty much impossible to move around. In that way, playing The Masturbating Bear was a lot like playing pin the tail on the donkey. Only, you know, with more masturbating.

The show was different every night, but every stop on the tour had special surprise guests who would do walk on cameos at one particular point in the show. When we were in Vegas, one of the cameos was none other than the former heavyweight champ himself, Mike Tyson. In addition to playing the bear, I was also the tour blogger and the tour photographer. This meant that nearly every celebrity who showed up to make a cameo also had their picture taken by a guy in a bear suit wearing a giant diaper.

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