After 12 weeks, thousands of miles traveled, dozens of nights on the bus, and only two unwanted fan pregnancies, I HAVE RETURNED TO MY HOME IN LOS ANGELES.  And it feels weird.  Really, really weird.  It smells weird in here, I forgot that I’ve hung exactly nothing on the walls, and all my furniture looks unused. In a weird way, it’s like I’m back in another hotel room - which, at this point, feels more like home than my actual apartment does.

Like I said: I feel really weird.

So the tour is officially over for me, finally.  I now welcome the large black cloud of depression that has been waiting in the wings to finally roll over this apartment like a clap of thunder on Bald Mountain. How to combat post-tour depression?  The three Ws they taught you in school: Whiskey, Wii, and Wondering what your ex-girlfriend is up to.  Wait, did I say combating post tour depression?  Or making it a thousand times worse?  It’s going to be a long weekend.

All (sort of) kidding aside, I plan on fighting this tour ending sadness by keeping busy: I’ve got a bunch of projects to work on these next few weeks - and some are Conan related, some not!  Very fun stuff is in the works - starting tomorrow, when I will begin building THE GREATEST INVENTION TO EVER HAVE BEEN INVENTED.  I thought of it before I went on tour… And now that I’m back, I do believe that the time is ripe to make something that will blow people’s socks right out of their brains!!!!!! (I know I’m mixing metaphors, but let me have my moment, okay?).  I shall call it… PROJECT: SONIC AVALANCHE!!!  And I’m feeling a little frisky - if anyone can actually guess what my new invention is, I’ll give a prize to the first person who guesses correctly in the comments!! 

That’s it for tonight - I gotta get up early to post a little surprise on tomorrow’s Team Coco blog!  Peace out!

I don’t want this to turn into a blog all about “Aaron’s Misadventures in Drinking”, but on Thursday night, I had a little bit of the ol’ sauce. I woke up yesterday morning and looked at my phone in a panic (this is actually what I do every morning upon waking), and realized that I had texted my next door neighbor - Dave “Geis Geis Baby” - to see if he wanted to come over.  At 2am. What?  I was confused; was I trying to bootycall Dave for some reason?  Then I got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and all was revealed:

I saw porkchops.

Lots of porkchops.

That’s when it hit me; I had come home and was hungry.  Hungry for sustenance. Hungry for meat. I had just bought 6 porkchops at the store on Thursday, and so when I came home after making sweet party fun time at le bar, I fired up the grill and cooked up all the pigchops in one gigantic orgy of fire and meat. I then texted Dave, to see if he wanted to come to my awesome porkchop party that I was having by myself, took exactly one bite out of one porkchop, then went to sleep.  How do I know I only took one bite?  Simple: There were six porkchops laying all around my kitchen, and one of them had a cartoon shaped bite mark out of its side. (Have I mentioned I’m single?  Ladies: the line forms to the left! More specifically, to the left of the X-Men poster. No, the other X-Men poster.)

Now, that’s what happened, and we can all get a big old laugh out of this ha ha ha I’m going to die alone etc etc but there’s a point to all of this, and that point is this: My porkchop adventure has given me a brilliant idea that will change the world forever.

DIG IT: I was talking with my buddy Spenser on the way back from seeing our buddy Dan’s short film “Night of the Punks” downtown tonight, and I was explaining to him how happy it made me to wake up and walk into my kitchen to find all these goddamn delicious porkchops just sitting on my counters and table. It was like being visited by Porkchop Santa Claus!!  Totally rad.  Spenser then made the point that it was bullshit that there are coffeemakers and bread makers and rice makers but NO PORKCHOP MAKERS.  Seriously, dudes!  What the fuck?!? This is a MASSIVE OVERSIGHT by the captains of industry. And that’s when I got my million dollar thousand dollar moneymaking idea:

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Here’s something I don’t understand: Why are the Scots - creators of Scotch, Braveheart, and my favorite kind of tape - so into plaid?  I mean, these dudes are the manliest of all men, and yet they define themselves with multicolored strips of cloth?  I’ll tell you why: Because they did something ingenious: They invented a new color. Sure, plaid isn’t “technically” a new color, but if I say “Plaid”, you know basically what I’m talking about. Just go along with me here.  It’s very late at night.

So, since the Porkchop Alarm Clock was already thought up (in spirit, anyway), by The Office, I have come up with a something better at making money than the Porkchop Alarm Clock. Something better at making money than Fruit Leather Pillowcases (“Dine while you dream!”).  Something better at making money than Hard Gravy - okay, wait. That’s not true. Alcoholic gravy is still my best shot at untold riches and true immortality.  BUT THIS NEXT IDEA IS RIGHT UP THERE WITH MY BEST.

I have invented a new color.

THAT’S RIGHT, Y’ALL. THE HUMAN EYE IS ABOUT TO GET SOME CANDY TO FEAST ON, BECAUSE YOURS TRULY HAS JUST COME UP WITH THE BRAND NEW SUMMER JAM OF COLORS AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE IMPRESSED.  Ready?  Here it is:

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